5-minute blog #1

So, I've been thinking, and... it's not a bad thing to have life experiences, right?

I'm not sure how long this might last on the other end, but if I do find the other end to be sincere, I don't plan on [completely] rejecting the offer.

I'm at the point in life where I am very open to take in whatever comes along my path - praying and trusting that God put it there. So I hope and pray that this is a part of God's plan - whether it stays with me for the rest of my life or if it ends in broken hearts is still quite the mystery.

God, You are very amazing in the most astounding ways.

So I am very much looking forward to whatever You have in store for me in the next few years.

Be with us, God.

Oh, and Retreat. Looking forward to a lot of time together with You tomorrow and for the next four days!

Five minutes is up!

END!

Nothing Special.

I guess lately, the thought that's been hitting me the most is that I am very unimportant to many people around me. Even with the frequent reassurances that I do amount to something, that feeling of actually mattering is so miniscule that I can't acknowledge its presence. And because of that, I always feel like I'll only end up being a burden to anyone and everyone around me. I can barely even get myself to hang out with people now. I just don't want people to lose valuable, quality time that they could have with other people, by hanging out with me. Occasionally I do ask people to hang out - rarely, but it happens. And those are the times I actually need company - when I desperately need some kind of company around me for once.

I think those people are really lucky. Those people who have even a small group of reliable, trustworthy, loyal friends. I don't have any. Yes, it's quite pathetic and a little sad but hey, maybe God has someone he's trying to send me.

It's really hard to get close to me. Probably one of the hardest things to do in relation to me. I'm just kinda scared of people - some people are really scary. And it doesn't help that I stutter, have a lisp, and am a bit uninteresting overall. The only thing that seems to separate me from other groups of people is my faith - my belief; God. I gotta work harder to hold on tighter to that, too.

I just don't know how to react to sincere attempts at befriending though - Since I have no one, I'm a little picky. I want someone who'll choose me over others. But I'm not special enough to anyone to be in that kind of position. And when I am, it's with someone that I just can't befriend to that extent.

So yeah. Everything comes back to God - from the beginning to the end. Since I barely have anything, in terms of relationships, God is all I have - my life line, my friend, my best friend, my lover, my family. I hope I can just get over my insecurity with people, though. Even if they are hard to trust, hard to rely on, not consistent, insincere... they are beautiful creations of God. I should get to know one of creations well.

God, help me with this difficult task.

That Xanga Entry Awhile Ago.

Hi, I'm an ________ person.

What was to be put in that mysterious blank?

Here's the word: Insecure.

I guess it's something that I can't really help. Even when I try not to take it the wrong way, sometimes I do. But I have become less insecure, thankfully. I'm a lot more comfortable with who I am now, I think.

But since this still is a big flaw of mine, I can't really say much on this topic.

Oh geez. I'll work on it.

Trailing Thoughts.

posted and privated on my xanga.

Hey you.

I haven't been this frustrated for a long time.
The last time I was this frustrated was... i don't even know.

I guess, at the time I needed a breather, i don't know. stuff just happened.

I just started having some glimpses of the future and.. i couldn't really keep myself contained. bah.

It really wasn't "judgment" - it's just that I guess I worry too much sometimes. I just cared a little too much.
I don't see you any differently - it just caught me off guard when you said you didn't a few minutes ago, and then did it right in my face the next minute. And I believed it, so I felt stupid, worried, and kinda betrayed. And other stuff happened over the week that didn't really help my mental situation. then my frustration won over me and I felt some... let's call it "physical emotional expression" creeping up on me. So I didn't want it to show - so I couldn't turn around.

So I called my mom, and just asked her when she was coming home - idk. I guess her voice made me feel comfortable. But feeling more comfortable, it was harder to keep this physical emotional expression from showing.

But, hey, thank goodness no one was home today. Just let it all out once I walked in the door. Home sweet home, y'know? :)

I don't consider myself any stronger than you are, but maybe I am. I don't know. I don't really know anything about this stuff, so I honestly just don't know what I am eligible to say. But yeah, I guess my logic was that if you never needed it before, why do you NEED it now? I guess it's just something I don't understand entirely.

Sorry for my unnecessary intervention.
I happen to do that a lot. eh.

Goooodbye :)

Crazy

Sometimes, things get a little crazy.

And then I get a little crazy.

Then the whole world seems a little crazy.

And then.. I get caught in all this entropy - and I feel lost.

I don't know about anything anymore.

God, help me.

please.

Flying Solo

I have no personal interests in anyone. It's strangely comfortable, but at the same time, lonely.

Well, actually, having no "love" interest at the moment is a tiny factor in my loneliness.

I don't know anyone I can really call a close friend anymore. I'm largely a separate part of any group of people I have managed to squeeze in. I can't even really consider myself a part of them, I guess. I wonder how this'll change in college. I hope I can be a more integrated part of some kind of group - not just any group either. But a group that I can rely on - unconditionally.

Maybe this is too much to ask though, eh?

Would be nice, though. A change of pace - somewhere I could.. kinda belong, I guess. Somewhere I can feel comfortable and not the one that just doesn't belong.

I just want a friend that'll unconditionally stand by my side. Someone that I can forever be close with.

I feel so alone these days.

--

Well, changing the mood here, haha.

I wish I could attend the GMC rally and the actual competition. I hope and pray that these guys can make it to the second round! Lead them there, God! I'll cheer them on from wherever I am on Saturday. Prayers are with you guys - Show 'em what SPC's got! Show 'em what God has done for us!

Standing Back Up.

After I had a total emotional and spiritual breakdown last week, I've found that that was what I needed.

I needed to be sweetly broken by God - and then picked up again.

I believe that I really am moving forward once again. My QTs are a lot more consistent than they used to be - and I'm beginning to be more engaged in them - and actually trying to live by the words in the Bible. I'm really trying.

I realized, after picking up my Bible, that when I hear His words, whatever they are, I am so convinced that ALL I need is Him. I don't need anyone else - I just need God. If I have Him, who cares about school, grades, college, boys, husbands (lol), money, clothes, etc. All I need is Him. What is a better realization than that? That God's love is all you need to continue living for Him.

I've been awfully depressing though - constant impulses to drive myself off a cliff - that sort of stuff. But I know that I just do not have the confidence, no matter what to go through with it. Especially since I know God is watching over me - and to disappoint Him would be heart-wrenching.

I want the youth group - no, everyone - to know about God's love. How we don't have to suffer so much if we just know about His AMAZING love. Not that we won't suffer at all- chances are, we'll suffer more - but the peace and joy that comes from knowing Him and His love... nothing else can compare to that.

Nothing can compare to Him.

PRAISE GOD.

Let's just say...

I feel like a knife's been cut right down that silly smile I had on just yesterday.

A little bit of confusion, exasperation, and hopelessness mixed in together.

I've just gotta learn to face reality.

It's not you, Jamie.

-Okay, it's not me.

Haha,

I'm smiling my silly smile for the first time in awhile.

How Much Should I Reveal?

Online, in these blogs, that is.

It's really restrictive.

ANYONE, can read this. anyone at all.

If someone happens to be very creative,

they can find my blog.

and read my innermost thoughts.

tehe.

scary, right?

privacy..? what is that?

The Candlelight..

The candlelight reminds me of God's love for us.

It's bright, lighting up darkness in large extents.

And it's warmth - it brings feeling to the cold - it brings something that you want to cuddle up to.

Light our way;

Warm our hearts,

Father God.

Why I Stay Away.

To avoid situations like these.

oh well. easily begun, easily ended.

sigh.

Fickle.

I kinda changed my mind again. But not really. I'm just qualifying both sides of this internal argument. Marriage, or no marriage, i don't know. And it's only a thought that i seriously ponder upon rarely. Anyway.

Spirituality.

Strive for Him daily. Why is it so DIFFICULT to get my freaking butt off of my chair and just DO it. ?!?! It makes me so mad. And I don'tasdkl;ja;sldkal;k. ]

Well, y'see. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel so close to God, yet, like right now, I feel so far. How do I get closer to Him? I pray everyday, I rarely ever skip out on my talk time with God. But maybe it's His love letter to me. I haven't been reading it too much at all. Is that what's missing? Sometimes I look for something, but it feels a bit empty. Or, well, it's there- but more idle. I feel so limited in what I can do sometimes. I want to do so much more - get out into the world so much more, but I can't even drive, I barely have any money. What can I do?

I guess I have to start with the little things first.

..

and then God will provide for the rest!

THAT'S IT.

I JUST HAVE TO START THIS.

i just have to DO it.

Bring it on world.

See if you can trip me up again.

AIIGHT?!

THAT'S IT!

I WANT TO GET MARRIED, AND I WANT TO GET MARRIED NOW.

Have you ever gotten the sudden urge to just grab someone.? Just anyone that you can come to love and have as a best friend and your one and only love.

I guess this urge sprouted from just a growing sense of impatience with people that just frustrate me. With people, and situations that frustrate me. I kinda just want to get this whole search for "the one" over with and find him already - not have to worry about it, y'know? And it'll just be really reassuring if this guy is the right guy. Someone consistent - someone whose interests in you don't fluctuate - a forever love. A true, forever love. Someone who just fits perfectly, as my other half to the missing puzzle piece to my heart. I know, cheesy, right? But really, I feel like I'm growing up too fast sometimes. In certain aspects. I've already considered seriously giving up this thing called a relationship numerous times. But I'm not sure if it's something that I should actually go through with. If God has someone for me out there, I don't want to shut that person out for my own exasperation and frustrations. Does any of this make sense? Am I the only one like this?

I'm ready for commitment, I strongly believe. But to the right person, the one God has chosen for me. From all the experiences I've had, those potential relationships just cannot work. There's always a boundary, a wall that is built that I can't even think of breaking down - so I give it up. When can I freely chase after the one I like -> love ? When can I find the guy that I'm chasing, reciprocally chasing after me - just me? But there's always another one of my own borders - my reluctance in my own self. There just doesn't seem to be anything interesting enough about me. There just doesn't seem to be anything I could do to make the one I love laugh, smile, or feel better. I'd hate to be in a relationship where I can't do anything for the other. But yet...

Where are you, love?

---

Holy & Hope.

Living in a holy way, and hoping in God.

Let's live for Him. Let's do the more that we should already, always be doing for such an amazing One as Him.

What, It Was About Me?!

So, in the age of crazy hormones and desire for a forever companion,

we are enveloped in problems about relationships. "Love" relationships - infatuation.

Thus, comes the job of those who are asked to offer advice - But have you ever felt like you're giving advice to a problem that specifically involves you? Because of that tugging feeling that the subject of the dilemma may revolve around you, being the advice-giver, you have the power to maneuver someone's decisions in a certain direction. A biased piece of advice, I suppose.

The dilemmas that I happen to be involved in seem to repeat themselves over and over again; and I don't know how to stop this continuous cycle of fallacies. What really is the right decision to make? If you're asked to give advice on a problem directly related to you, how do you handle it? It's pretty tough. I honestly have no idea if things are even what they seem - they might not even be at all related to me. I tried to give advice pushing aside that little tug at my heart that said that this was partly about me. But giving such an oblivious answer might lead to a decision that ... probably shouldn't be made. But I don't know what else to do. I don't want to manipulate the situation, acting like I didn't intend on it ; I don't want to lie to myself and others.

Maybe I did the right thing, Maybe I did not.