Nothing Special.

I guess lately, the thought that's been hitting me the most is that I am very unimportant to many people around me. Even with the frequent reassurances that I do amount to something, that feeling of actually mattering is so miniscule that I can't acknowledge its presence. And because of that, I always feel like I'll only end up being a burden to anyone and everyone around me. I can barely even get myself to hang out with people now. I just don't want people to lose valuable, quality time that they could have with other people, by hanging out with me. Occasionally I do ask people to hang out - rarely, but it happens. And those are the times I actually need company - when I desperately need some kind of company around me for once.

I think those people are really lucky. Those people who have even a small group of reliable, trustworthy, loyal friends. I don't have any. Yes, it's quite pathetic and a little sad but hey, maybe God has someone he's trying to send me.

It's really hard to get close to me. Probably one of the hardest things to do in relation to me. I'm just kinda scared of people - some people are really scary. And it doesn't help that I stutter, have a lisp, and am a bit uninteresting overall. The only thing that seems to separate me from other groups of people is my faith - my belief; God. I gotta work harder to hold on tighter to that, too.

I just don't know how to react to sincere attempts at befriending though - Since I have no one, I'm a little picky. I want someone who'll choose me over others. But I'm not special enough to anyone to be in that kind of position. And when I am, it's with someone that I just can't befriend to that extent.

So yeah. Everything comes back to God - from the beginning to the end. Since I barely have anything, in terms of relationships, God is all I have - my life line, my friend, my best friend, my lover, my family. I hope I can just get over my insecurity with people, though. Even if they are hard to trust, hard to rely on, not consistent, insincere... they are beautiful creations of God. I should get to know one of creations well.

God, help me with this difficult task.