Let's just say...

I feel like a knife's been cut right down that silly smile I had on just yesterday.

A little bit of confusion, exasperation, and hopelessness mixed in together.

I've just gotta learn to face reality.

It's not you, Jamie.

-Okay, it's not me.

Haha,

I'm smiling my silly smile for the first time in awhile.

How Much Should I Reveal?

Online, in these blogs, that is.

It's really restrictive.

ANYONE, can read this. anyone at all.

If someone happens to be very creative,

they can find my blog.

and read my innermost thoughts.

tehe.

scary, right?

privacy..? what is that?

The Candlelight..

The candlelight reminds me of God's love for us.

It's bright, lighting up darkness in large extents.

And it's warmth - it brings feeling to the cold - it brings something that you want to cuddle up to.

Light our way;

Warm our hearts,

Father God.

Why I Stay Away.

To avoid situations like these.

oh well. easily begun, easily ended.

sigh.

Fickle.

I kinda changed my mind again. But not really. I'm just qualifying both sides of this internal argument. Marriage, or no marriage, i don't know. And it's only a thought that i seriously ponder upon rarely. Anyway.

Spirituality.

Strive for Him daily. Why is it so DIFFICULT to get my freaking butt off of my chair and just DO it. ?!?! It makes me so mad. And I don'tasdkl;ja;sldkal;k. ]

Well, y'see. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel so close to God, yet, like right now, I feel so far. How do I get closer to Him? I pray everyday, I rarely ever skip out on my talk time with God. But maybe it's His love letter to me. I haven't been reading it too much at all. Is that what's missing? Sometimes I look for something, but it feels a bit empty. Or, well, it's there- but more idle. I feel so limited in what I can do sometimes. I want to do so much more - get out into the world so much more, but I can't even drive, I barely have any money. What can I do?

I guess I have to start with the little things first.

..

and then God will provide for the rest!

THAT'S IT.

I JUST HAVE TO START THIS.

i just have to DO it.

Bring it on world.

See if you can trip me up again.

AIIGHT?!

THAT'S IT!

I WANT TO GET MARRIED, AND I WANT TO GET MARRIED NOW.

Have you ever gotten the sudden urge to just grab someone.? Just anyone that you can come to love and have as a best friend and your one and only love.

I guess this urge sprouted from just a growing sense of impatience with people that just frustrate me. With people, and situations that frustrate me. I kinda just want to get this whole search for "the one" over with and find him already - not have to worry about it, y'know? And it'll just be really reassuring if this guy is the right guy. Someone consistent - someone whose interests in you don't fluctuate - a forever love. A true, forever love. Someone who just fits perfectly, as my other half to the missing puzzle piece to my heart. I know, cheesy, right? But really, I feel like I'm growing up too fast sometimes. In certain aspects. I've already considered seriously giving up this thing called a relationship numerous times. But I'm not sure if it's something that I should actually go through with. If God has someone for me out there, I don't want to shut that person out for my own exasperation and frustrations. Does any of this make sense? Am I the only one like this?

I'm ready for commitment, I strongly believe. But to the right person, the one God has chosen for me. From all the experiences I've had, those potential relationships just cannot work. There's always a boundary, a wall that is built that I can't even think of breaking down - so I give it up. When can I freely chase after the one I like -> love ? When can I find the guy that I'm chasing, reciprocally chasing after me - just me? But there's always another one of my own borders - my reluctance in my own self. There just doesn't seem to be anything interesting enough about me. There just doesn't seem to be anything I could do to make the one I love laugh, smile, or feel better. I'd hate to be in a relationship where I can't do anything for the other. But yet...

Where are you, love?

---

Holy & Hope.

Living in a holy way, and hoping in God.

Let's live for Him. Let's do the more that we should already, always be doing for such an amazing One as Him.